It Only Takes One Comment....

It's interesting how I just shut down when I'm pissed and around people. When I'm alone, I yell, cuss, throw shit and put holes in doors, walls and other stuff. But when I'm around people, I stop being myself. I stop talking, I don't make any jokes, I smile when people ask me stuff, and I'm only nice when I have to be like dealing with customers. I even shut down around my family which is even worse because they know when I do and they always ask "what's the matter?" But what makes it even worse, I never want to talk about it. I keep it bottled up. I have about 10 years of bottled up anger that has never really been expressed and I don't really know how to. I just beat myself up inside until I see how hurt I am and then minutes later, act like nothing is wrong. I'm not sure if that's healthy but it's a process. A comment was made today towards me and I heard them say it. I was pissed and shut down. It took me three hours to finally be able to smile but I still feel wounded from my own torture. And I will wake up tomorrow and act like nothing happened.

That rant was actually kind of therapeutic....maybe. I don't know. Thanks though for listening.